Thursday, November 4, 2010

Egg retrieval

I would just like to point out that you can't say, "egg retrieval" without saying, "evil".  I find this to be the most morbidly fascinating step of the whole "makin'-a-baby-in-a-lab" process.  The doctor will use an ultrasound to find the follicles (the little sac-thingies on the ovaries that contain the egg-thingies).  Once the follicles are located, they're punctured and aspirated.  The fluid and eggs are collected and taken back to the lab for a very complicated game of "hide-and-go-seek" with the lab techs.

"But, Fertile Rock Lady, what do they use to go on this follicle hunting and extracting expedition?" you ask?

I will tell you, but it's not pretty.  As a matter of fact, I have a crisp dollar-bill that says this device was most likely used in "advanced interrogation situations" at Guantanamo Bay. Ladies, muffle your midsections with a kitchen towel or decorative throw-pillow so your lady-bits don't hear this: An internal ultrasound probe with a needle attached.


For those of you lucky enough to never have had an internal ultrasound, check this out.  Once you've finished crying on the floor in the fetal position, imagine that done with A FRICKIN' NEEDLE ATTACHED.

And because I'm me, my demented brain pulled up this clip and played it over and over and over again, in my head.  And, because I like to take things too far, I sketched this out:

The good news is, not only do I get to take a happy pill, but I go under "twilight sedation".  (I'm really hoping that has nothing to do with that weird, sparkly, British vampire guy.)  However, I've heard that if you're really friendly to the anesthesiologist, they have ways of making sure you never remember the whole ordeal.  I think I might bake up an arsenal of chocolate chip cookies the night before.  I have no desire to have any memory, whatsoever, of someone digging through my netheregions with a laser-wearing shark.

If I'm lucky, I'll end up like our friend David, of youtube and laughing-gas fame.  Except, not actually ending up on youtube. 

Did I mention the probe has a needle attached?

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